Days like these are becoming too regular lately. My morning is by the mother of all clouds. I get through the day on a crutch of a smile, so that Geordie Lad and the 3G are none the wiser. By nightfall I no longer have the strength to resist; I allow the mist to settle and it feels like someone is kicking me down a bottomless pit.
I had thought about writing in depth about what it's like; to give some insight to those who see me through the dark days. However after a long, warm shower, the crewof5 asleep (well except me, obviously, but settled in bed so near enough!), and 3 hours of catch up iplayer I am resurfacing and feel that a lighter approach is called for.
And this is the thing, this is how my days, months, years, decades go. Not to the dizzying heights or hellish holes of my twenties, but still - it's all or nothing most of the time. It's exhausting you know, and not just for me I'm sure.
I know there are people in my life who just don't get me when I'm like I'm am, there are people in my life who don't know I am like I am, and there are people who accept the me I am. I belong in the first category. I refuse to accept it is okay to be like this, I get that it's natural and can't be helped, but why must it continue. I look around me and mine and we're okay; so why the misery, the insecurity, the self-damnation. I want to do and see and live so much, yet it feels like I have stone shoes on - co-ordinated with concrete coat and hard hat. I'm convinced there is a parallel me out there with a super smile and living my earthly me's dreams.
So what gets me out of the hole? (I have just read a fantastic and insightful blog and learnt that this can also be referred to as the black dog) Music on the very bad days. I can barely move on these days but within 5 minutes of some good tunes, I am dancing like it's 1999 - literally, I was 28 then and a mover on the dancefloor! Most of the time, my 3G and Geordie Lad see me right. Then there is my cushion of womenfolk. Some I see often, some when needed, and some not nearly enough, and one is missing...but that's for another day.
Goodnight London, wherever you are.