Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Four Women

For one lowly individual on this Mother Earth, I am made up of four diverse women.


FirstShe is earnest and keen. She has her sights set on a different prize everyday. FirstShe is a glass half-full kinda woman. She is aware of her challenges and this doesn't faze her; in fact this is what gets her out of bed in the morning; the relish of the challenge. FirstShe loves being with people and seems to be able to find those who will support her, and guide her. FirstShe is carefree. She is a shining star who spends an extraordinary amount of time planning her next steps.  Time doesn’t move fast enough for FirstShe, yet there is this niggling feeling that she is always running out of time.  FirstShe is passionate about people, about things, about emotions.  She trusts and loves hard but if you cross her, she can hate hard too.  Well, maybe not hate – that seems too harsh a word.  She may feel like she hates but it appears to others as though she is unforgiving and cold.  But truly, it’s the opposite because she burns inside when she is let down; burns with hurt.  At times she burns with a rage but she doesn’t show or tell this to others.  She just moves on to the next thing, project, person, feeling.  Now FirstShe can be inspirational and the wings beneath the desire of others.  FirstShe is striving to be the woman that she wants her daughters to be, she sees it in them already – that fire that flickers in the eyes of the young, threatening to grow into a wild bushfire.  Unlike the dying embers that is visual in the aging generations.  But FirstShe is difficult to be around all of the time, she exhausts others and frustrates them.  FirstShe does not like to sit down.

Unlike SecondShe.  Who could sit, lie and sleep until time runs out.  SecondShe is burnt out.  Her star faded many, many moons ago and she has neither time, inclination or energy to reignite herself.  SecondShe has seen her strength diminish over the years; battered by daily grind of work, motherhood and wifery.  There are mornings where she is unable to exist at all.  Her feet move, her heart beats and she dutifully functions with the grace of an obsolete robot.  She is distant from those around her, unable to connect with the banter required of the working mother.  SecondShe hides from her children; she is ashamed and fears that her presence will taint their youthful vigour.  She is diseased; at times riddled with a deadness that can paralyse her completely.  There are those in her life who understand her and she knows they are constantly offering a helping hand, but that’s an effort – to request, explain or quantify her existence.  So she remains concealed.  Shut behind literal and metaphorical doors SecondShe allows herself days where she parades in her melancholic glory. SecondShe is envious of FirstShe but is smug she isn’t ThirdShe.



Duty. Chained. Prisoner. ThirdShe.  There are roles we all play in the various circles of our lives.  ThirdShe acknowledges who she is and knows her place.  Day to day she strives to maintain the equilibrium of those around her.  Juggling the spheres of her existence she paints a smile or a frown if required. And ticks all the boxes.




FourthShe is loved by all.  A dreamer excitedly tripping through a plethora of beings. Who can she be today? What can she achieve tomorrow? FourthShe lives her life in colour. Shedding the monochrome palette of ThirdShe, she breathes in nature’s elements and strides through the lives of others in a rainbow.  Creating life, laughter, art, happiness, IDEAS.  FourthShe endeavours to colour the lives of the otherShes. She dismisses boundaries and pursues pleasure with limitless energy.

To make a Me, I have to love, cherish and accept all these Shes. They are borne of my experience, my surroundings, my ups and my downs.  Some days one She may be louder than another, one may suppress or support another.  I am still learning to be kind to all of them, and to me. 
Celebrating International Women.  

Monday, 2 January 2012

Sweet Dreams are made of these

Horrendous! It's taken me all this time to get my blog together. But things are gonna be different this year. Honest. As this is the year I leave the 30something and turn the 40th corner. Scared? Hell no. They do say that life begins at this point. And it must, my friends, it must. 3 maternity leaves,  back to back...I'm now ready to open the door marked 40-enter this way.

Despite not wanting to turn thirty as I had no will or desire to don a pair of slippers, Nora Batty tights and hairnet, I managed to enjoy myself and Sambuca my way into my third decade.

 A lot has happened since then. I've done a bit of growing up, donchaknow? Career progression, bought a car, bought a house, bought a husband...no, sorry, acquired a husband, had a baby, and another, and another one after that, fell out of love with my job, fell back in love with it again, discovered Pinterest. And here I am. Turning 40.
 I have been prepping for this momentous year by creating a 40@40 list. With the help of my insane and (un)loving family and friends I have constructed a list of 40 things to do in my 40th year.

1. Get my groove on in a blues or ska club

2. Finally sit down and write a will

3. Take my brood to a Festival, preferably of the Vintage variety

4. Karaoke night with a bunch of girlies - so many more people need to hear my Big Spender!

5. An N party! Everyone has to come to the party dressed as something beginning with the letter N - the suggestions have already been flooding in.

6. The most amazing food at Lucky 7 and a day shopping at Portobello Market. Bring it West London.

7. New York. *deepbreath* Yep...get on a plane (aarrggghh!) and take my dream trip with my fantastico Dad

8. The Wire boxset to be watched in a bathrobe, holding a monster glass of wine and eating a barrel of chocolate.

9. A gig! Whoever, whichever, wherever.

10. Basketball game - I've never done it, so...

11. Ice Hockey match, I've never done it, so...

12. Designer handbag or shoes - eBay here I come!

13. Eurovision party with sis - the family tradition continues.

14. Weekend spa with the Indian sisters (in laws)

15. Maintain a regular blog. It's not that hard is it??

16. Contribute regularly to a savings account.

17. Kitsch themed dinner parties - Spanish, Mexican, Caribbean, Indian, Thai, - complete with fondu

18. Burlesque lessons.

19. A regular charity that I support in its entirety.

20. Organize that pile of rubble otherwise known as my daughter's baby keepsakes

21. Gym membership - get one, use one.

22. Surprise the Geordie Lad

23. Tea and cute eaty things at the Ritz

24. Tweet, tweet, tweet

25. Snog Benedict Cumberbatch *sighs in soft focus"

26. Own a pair of silk pyjamas to show off to no25

27. See Femi Kuti's tribute band because I missed Fela Kuti

28. Buy my dream car, a red Mini cooper

29. See a proper old movie at the national film museum

30. A night out in Newcastle-upon-Tyne in the Bigg Market wearing a miniskirt, white stilettos and a toon top

31. Helicopter ride to God knows where - I hate flying!!!

32. Get back in good contact with the friends I should never neglect

33.Ballroom dancing lessons

34.Do the monopoly pub crawl

35.Go to a night viewing at the national gallery

36.Watch a sun rise somewhere cool

37.Start the search at the Kew archives with my fantastico dad

38.A dream and a plan to make it happen. For real.

39. Line dancing night

40. Get that LBD  

This is also going to be the year that I become an auntie - from zero to four in a year. My SuperSis and her HB are expecting triplets - count 'em - in the summer, and my Brill S-i-L and her HB are waiting on their first sproglet in May.  And how can we forget the summer to end all summers: The London Olympics. I've never been one for flying the Union Flag (long story, brown face in a sea of white 1980s Essex ones) but mi casa will be festooned with red, white and blue and we will embrace a summer of British tea and waving.

Bring it on 2012.