Friday, 15 August 2014

coward of the county

Fear...what is it good for?..absolutely nothin'...hold on, hold on, wrong lyrics I know, I know, but the sentiments are the same. Fear is such a waste of time, but for those of you who know me / are getting to know me will be totally aware that I am a cowardy, cowardy custard when it comes to most things. There's the usual: take a bow Mr Spider and all your creepy crawly buddies, and there's the irrational: you know it doesn't make sense that a bulk of metal can stay up in the air and fly around for so long does it?, and then there's the serious stuff: the crippling fear that stops me from pursuing dreams and desires so I get stuck in this vicious rut of a circle.

But there is a massive fear that permeates my everyday and I have often tried to write about it, but have failed because facing this fear may mean facing some home truths. My AWOLmum has not been part of our lives for nearly five years and to me, this is an #epicfail of monumental proportions, and I am absolutely terrified that she will never be part of my life again.

Without delving into the short and curlies of our long and winding relationship, through silence and mutual frustration / disdain me and my mother have stopped speaking to each other. I believe I had tried to heal rifts between us but to no avail, and with many areas in my life falling apart and presenting daily challenges something(one) had to go. There seemed to be no right that I could do, and whilst I am sure she loved me, her behaviour jarred with the idea of mother that I had expected and wanted now that I had become a mum too. Family members have theories about why she is the way she is, but none of us know the truth. The plain fact is that she has opted out of my life and is missing out on my amazing 3G. 

I think of her pretty much everyday. I dread that there will come a day that I get a phone call from someone to tell me she is ill or worse. And I am frightened of the responsibility and guilt that I will be left with knowing that I should have done more. So I have agonised about whether to cold call or doorstep her thereby leaving her with no wriggle room to turn me away. But the fear of her negative reactions - of which I have been victim of in the past - stops me from moving forward. Strong, rational, lioness-mother me thinks what the hell am I afraid of? She is my mum and should be living up her to her role; surely with the years past we should be able to come to some compromise by now. But the child/daughter in me who hates confrontation feels it's better to leave well alone, and to be honest I haven't missed the stress and upset that I feel when we were in contact. However I miss having a mum that knows the tales of my childhood to tell the 3G, I miss having a mum in my life that I can turn to for guidance now that I am in my forties and ready to accept the foibles of my youth and listen to the wisdom of elders, I miss having a mum that I know is getting older and may benefit or enjoy being around the family that she has helped to create. Unfortunately I have learnt to live with this absence and my fear.