Wednesday, 5 February 2014

january - sick and tired, you've been hanging on me

I challenge anyone to tell me something good about last month. The 31st January, saw the end of the first month of my unemployment from my 16 year career at the wonderful school, which I guess was my second home (wow, enough numbers in there? -Numeracy ahoy!). And I can tell you the pathetic fallacy of my life is way too apt for my liking.

I haven't gone into huge details here about what has been happening to me and my job, but let's just settle on - it wasn't nice, it wasn't expected, it wasn't deserved, but it is what it is, and I left with my head held high. Don't worry, I didn't do anything that could land me in jail, and I wasn't sacked. So I move on...or at least I try to.

After Christmas, instead of heading into the downhill slope that is Spring Term I have been living la vida mummy. Or 'housewife' as GeordieLad called me the other day. It's okay - I'm alright with the label, for now I am partaking in the hardest non paid job in the land. Except because the 3G are all at school, it's not as tough as it could be. Phews all round then.

Stepping out at a slightly more leisurely pace than the 'get in the car, get out of the car' screechfest that has been in play since 2006, I am grateful for the frozen mornings in the playground waving the 3G off to class, and the fact that their wonderful teachers no longer have to use spidery drawings of me to know what I look like, and that I can now join in the paparazzi - camera waving assemblies instead of hearing vaguely drawn together memories punctuated by silences as the morning's actress is now slackjawed watching 64 Zoo Lane. So it's not all bad. But for every quick kiss goodbye in the playground, there is a foot steeped in muddy puddle as we get out of the car to start the day.  For every smile as I meet them at 3.30 there is a drenched Afro quivering below a soggy bobble hat (that's me btw).  And for every song we sing loudly on the way home as we decide which activity we'll do when we get home (baking, art, swimming, film night) there is a queue of windscreen wipers on wheels lengthening the journey home to an hour.  Not to mention the grey, grey, grey skies.  Who stole the sun, dagnammit?

January had me sinking low as I found myself floundering without a job and worringly, not wanting to look for one. No one seemed to understand that I had lost my teacher mojo and I felt I was staring into an abyss of indecisiveness, loneliness and shame. But this here woman is surrounded by some wonderful human beings. People who have taken time to send heartfelt messages to me, thankfully when I have been slip sliding into sadness - usually just after taking the 3G to school and the day is about to stretch miserably before me. And as I have taken baby steps through this infant month of 2014 I have found strength from those around me. Cups of tea and cake with lovely ladies at home right now for other reasons, hurried phone-calls with old working buddies now on a different day schedule to me, and late night whatsapping with girl-mates to catch up on the gossip. And I know they're all just checking in on me to see if I'm ok.

And I am...I will be.

February dawned with a luscious blue sky which kicked the grey clouds aside for a short while.On our early morning walk on the 1st Feb, with the 3G, I took a moment to remember what a cloudless sky looked like, and decided it was to time to get strong again.

Wish me luck.

Goodnight London, wherever you are.


  1. I could nearly smell spring and the dads are reaching out! It's a new dawn.

  2. I'd like to think so, but I hear more rain is on the way. ��