the fear

So Middle S had a homework assignment to research and choose an interesting phobia and she chose Scelerophobia: a fear of bad men, which is fair enough.

I am well versed on sharing my key phobias with all and sundry: flying (tin box with heavy people and bags staying up in the sky just doesn't make sense):  spiders (inside for me, outside for you): death ('nuff said, right?).  Some feel it's okay to belittle and make fun of my serious and irrational fears and whilst I'm not proud of them , how dare they negate what simply leaves me with night sweats, gut wrenching cramps and a loss of face in front of my kids? Come sit next to me on a plane during take off and you'll see how unfunny it is!

But the worst (and silent) phobia I have is a fear of failure - atychiphobia - to the point that I simply will not attempt something because I think I might fail. I am now realizing that this goes back, way back, to my school days.

Writing - loved it, was good at it, editor of school magazine, reams of poetry and short stories, even the construction of a book told verbally to my best friend walking to school everyday. But never wrote for competitions because I was too scared of someone finding my efforts hilariously abysmal.

The piano - loved it, was good at it, taken under the 'free' wing of my hip music teacher who spotted my talent and guided me through my first piano exam - straight in at grade 4 but decided to chuck it all in when it was suggested I go straight to grade 7 because I discovered you would have to sing. Sing? Sing? Not on your life. Piano career ended because I was too scared of someone finding my efforts hilariously abysmal. 

Leaving my last job as it was made painfully clear that I was not wanted anymore I leapt into the unknown and have been floundering ever since. With the support of a close few I am embarking on a new venture which I love but can feel the paralysis of fear setting in. Suppose I'm no good. Suppose no-one likes what I'm doing. Suppose I make a fool of myself. Suppose people out there finds my efforts hilariously abysmal? Can you hear the fear of getting it all wrong in full flow already? Have you spotted the pattern yet?

I read somewhere that you should 'do what you can until you can do what you want' which may mean me heading back to teaching - again the cold chill of 'can't' kicks in . Because before I decided to take this path I did go for interviews and despite my skills, experience, glowing feedback I was still not getting the jobs. Suck it up you might say, keep trying, others out there are applying for hundreds of jobs and not getting one. Yep I hear you but every failure burns when I had reached the outstanding peak of my career only 3 years ago. I cannot start from the bottom again; not at my age, not when the things people don't like about me can't be changed (my years of experience making me expensive).

The spiders that lurk in my little room where I write and the dread of a turbulent flight out to the Caribbean to visit my aged grandparents pale in comparison to the fear of my three daughters looking back at my life and thinking that I didn't provide them with a role model or aspirational values - that is my biggest phobia. 

Does that have a name I wonder?

This post was inspired by #post40bloggers #writing prompt66:phobias

go your own way

Leavers' assemblies. A momentous occasion of shirt signing, montages of five years in five minutes, last minute words of wisdom from exhausted teachers and tears from the even the most sullen, streetwise students.

This is the time we have all been working towards. Teachers are spent; having coerced and crammed knowledge into this cohort it is time for them to take hold of their own reins and move forward in their own future.  For even those who do come back to sixth form - as some form of education is now compulsory until age 19 - it's not the same; whether it's the lack of uniform or the reduction in subjects they study, the rapport becomes more mature and discussions foster a rising equality in acquired knowledge.

For many years this has always been a sombre time for me; saying goodbye to young adults that I remembered were sprightly stepping into the school hall to be grouped into form classes five or seven years previous. The year 11s , despite having crowed about how they can't wait to leave, now seem pensive as they enter a pivotal stage of their life: we are opening the doors to a future and releasing them from the cocoon of school days. Some return to specialise their learning but many move on to colleges or apprenticeships.  The year 13s are a different kettle of fish. This is the moment they really leave the river and swim out to sea. With the sixth formers there is an air of unbridled excitement, which I certainly don't remember having. You can see the eagerness with which they turn their back on school and long for the unknown. I loved the safety of school and sixth form college and at this point in my own life didn't know where I was heading at all. Having swam with the tide for so long without looking ahead, I felt I had suddenly come to the edge of the world. It was definitely a shock.

Is the preparation that students get now that makes them more confident and eager to move on? The guidance gained from websites and apps can often render the advice from well-meaning parents and teachers quite obsolete, as we realise we are becoming more out-dated, more quickly. When there are day trips to universities and intern blogs available, why would our experience from fifteen years ago be relevant or useful?

Most of the time I have no desire to re-wind back to the late 80's - I'm a content post40 mama on the whole - yet I do wish the options and path choices offered now were offered to me back then. Aging has enlightened me to a plethora of careers that I never even knew existed, jobs that with my post40 head perched on my 18 year old shoulders I may have chosen to study for. Unfortunately history was not so much of a passion with me then as it is now. How I would have loved to enter the world of genealogy or anthropology or the history of accents and dialects (I have recently discovered the role of a sociolinguist and it sounds fascinating). But what was offered at my moment on the crossroads? Well for one, I wasn't allowed to attend the careers fair so instead my mum went and brought back a mountain of leaflets on how clever I had to be to do teaching or journalism (my 14 year old career choices because I loved all of my teachers and I loved writing). I saw the word "university", had no idea about what university was or entailed, got scared, did mediocre in my exams, took ages to finally get to university once I realised what it was. How an open day to allow a first generation university hopeful may have changed the course of my history? Or even a list of where my strengths and passions could lead.

Hey ho. This is the wonderful thing about the future. It should improve on the past, right? After nearly two decades of wishing school leavers well, people will always vocalise about the hardships of the youngsters today; but they are so well equipped and armed with the many paths they could travel. Rather than focus on the murk and mire of adult life, we should be shoving the wonders of life in front of them. Discover vocations we have never heard of together. Bring the world to them before they go looking for it. 

Now someone just needs to create careers advice for the over 40s looking for a new direction.

 

This post first appeared on Post40bloggers : Education

changes

Okay I'm going to admit it. I'm jealous. Yes the green eyed monster is definitely dwelling within me most of the time. And for why or what? 

Those people who jump careers. There I've said it. The ones I read about who have fled their high-flying banking jobs for freedom on a farm, making butter or some-such activity. Or the mother who managed to write that novel whilst breastfeeding a newborn.

My tone may sound mocking but, no, I'm merely jealous of their drive and confidence. I guess I'm a little in awe of people like this; who take a leap of faith and risk to follow a dream or explore a talent.

But I often wonder what the back-story is in these cases? Does everyone really have a nest egg ready to hatch on a rainy day? What happened on the day when someone gets home from the daily grind and says 'That's it. I've had enough'? Are partners and offspring involved in the decision?

Having watched seventeen years worth of 16 and 18 year olds leave an institution to seek pearls in far flung oysters, I am struck with the support and guidance that they receive before making crucial decisions . I remember being bamboozled by Radio One's Which Way Now? fledgling campaign and daunted by the deluge of leaflets AWOLmum brought back from a careers evening (which bizarrely school pupils were not invited to). And that was pretty much it to set me on my life's path.

Now in my forties I find the career advice I require is still inadequate. Am I expected to be settled in my job or self-reliant at career progression just because I have been in the workforce for twenty odd years? The marketplace is changing and whilst I have reached middle management in my career choice I now find that I am stagnating because the opportunities are not forthcoming due to financial / political constraints in the education sector. In addition to my age and pay grade working against me, what chance does my CV stand alongside younger, less expensive, recently trained employees? I am no longer naive enough to believe that experience can withstand those parameters - believe me I have tried. 

So I am considering moving out of my comfort zone to pursue new directions but where to begin? Googling 'What job can an ex-teacher do?' often ends up with more questions than answers. And giving everything up to retrain is not always a viable option with a family to support.

Have you jumped careers? Where is the best place to go for guidance?